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We are both these amazing people, who love life... see the optimism in everything we can, and yet we get these guys that just idk..
play games.
It's ridiculous. We both just want partners in life that we can grow with, grow from, and trust. ITS REALLY NOT THAT DIFFICULT
but everyone else makes it difficult.
Ivan said he wanted to prove himself
now he's pulling away again.
it's like one minute he loves me, then he doesn't want to be around me.
I'm done
My heart can't do it anymore.
I'm over his empty words... his half ass promises.
I'm over his immaturity
I deserve someone better.
I'm over being second choice.
or the last resort.
Ive created a list of necessities. that need to be in my life.
No more smoking
no more liquor.
GYM! at least 4 times a week.
no more crappy foods.
no more soda
Move out
new car
There is more I'm sure but these are my main focuses.
There are many times where I want to fall into this dark area... But it doesn't do any good and I know this!
There are so many positive things in my life
Yet there are things that make me want to give up.
I really think I need just a good few moments of complete silence and tears. Just get it all out. I never cry and if I do, it's for a fleeting moment that I spend more effort fighting it than dealing with it. I live in this mindset that I hope for the best! And I continue to be optimistic thinking "it'll be different this time!"
Or "it won't happen!"
I believe in positive energy fixing things. But sometimes it slips through my fingers and I find myself where I am finding myself now.
I know I'll be better. I just wish it was now instead of an hour or a few hours from now
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And still takes my breathe away
Fuck
I wish he'd get his shit together
It'd be perfect
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That's two nights I've officially slept through the night with any issues
Yay!
I think my dog took away my panic attack this morning
He slept with me all night <3
Then had a puppy nightmare! Awwww
He then stuck his legs up in the air like he was playing dead
While still asleep
So cute. Love his never ending love for me
New job soon!
I need something in my life. The last month has been nothing but stress
One thing after another
But like always... Push some stress towards me and I fight
I try to always wish for the best and be optimistic
Time to finish balloons!
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it's not like i have friends on here
but it's easier to go through this than try to read my handwriting
and i can delete a lot better than
oh how I miss free hand HTML.
and coding in general
I still dont know wtf to do with my life
I'm having anxiety attacks bc of stress
and I got so used to laying next to
it helped it go away
he doesn't know that.
he doesn't know I would wake up with random attacks
I couldn't tell him that.
He was too up and down. Hot and Cold
i swear to god that Katy Perry song reminded me of him on more than one occasion
but he made me smile
and made me want to be girly... and pretty...
I never lost who I was with him... I still kept who I was which is a first
and I still wish I had him to talk to more
I don't want him back right now relationship wise
I want him back as a friend.
That's what I miss...
He said he got jealous of Topher.
which is just silly. because he was turning into that for me
then took it away
blah
I always feel like I'm not enough.
and I wanted to trust him fully... but I didn't bc he was so up and down.
I just wanted to know he means what he says and wasnt going to keep shopping
but not my problem now.
I should just walk away. He'll get over me a lot faster than I will over him
which is odd.
normally i can just cut it off
do a couple days of waah waah
then be better off
idk wtf he did
and I have no urge to go out drinking and start shamelessly flirting with people for attention
ha. may be i have grown up finally
I just want a better life.
I want a better job
I want to be able to have a resume that I can be proud of
I can fkn talk my way into anything and out of anything if I really wanted to
although my honesty keeps me in trouble sometimes
I'm too honest.
i suck at lying
and i wear my heart on my sleeve
may be I should change that
and this car shit is a pain in the ass
I would love to just disappear.
I tried to from
tried to grab my stuff so I could easily just disappear.
let him have his life
he can find someone else
someone perfect
they can go party every night or whatever
i'm a little bitter still
( a little hurt )
My Current list?
no soda *2 days!*
Gym almost daily
School
New Car (fuck its hard)
No more smoking (caved unfortunately. try again tomorrow)
A life that I can be proud of
My cat is a slutbag...
But I love her slutbagness right now
Used to Hold Me
- Mood:
anxious
I miss you. I refuse to tell you because you let me go and I'm afraid to open that part of me again to you
But I do.
I think of you at least once every day... No matter how busy I keep myself
I'll see something dumb and want to share it with you
Or a song will come on...
I miss our laughing... Over stupid stuff
Tickling each other and just being dumb
I miss knowing I made you smile
And seeing that smile I created
I miss playing halo with you
And watching you play
I miss taking dumb pics of us
I miss that night we went on the bike and just drove... And how you insisted on getting a smile from me
I miss you telling me I'm beautiful. That look in your eyes when I felt insecure... And you had a look that you just wanted me.
I miss you pushing me to stop being insecure. To trying new things
I miss trying new things with you
I miss the person who was becoming one of my best friends....
I wanted to be by your side as you did amazing things
Proud
I wanted know the words you said were true and not just words said bc they sounded good.
Right now I hope that one day we can continue where we left off
And it may be ignorant
Silly
And I may be holding onto something that isn't true
But if it is... I hope you realize soon
Before my heart loses faith
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A cool touch
A glance with a glimmer behind
Quick smile
Simple kiss
Sweet and small just to remind
A lifetime
At One day at a time
A world shared by just two
A fantasy
Made reality
With each moment accrued
kind words that i crave
not just based off memories
from the moments that I save
a moment of your heart
thoughts left behind
to just reassure me
that youre truly mine
emotions shown through trying
remind me im the one
not always based off sexual
or simply when its fun
take just a quick moment
to help reassure
that what we feel is true
and help to cure
for its easy to give my body
but my heart, i give to few
for the strength in someone else
i rarely find worthy and true
so don't prove my fears right
and take those few moments
to remind me why i trust you
and why my love to you, i give
I did it to myself. I fed into your words hoping they were real and saw the red flags but I still let myself fall
I'm not sure why
Something always happens. Not sure if I fail or what but I'm never enough. They always want more. And I'm left once again questioning why
What am I doing wrong. You say I'm perfect and amazing... I've heard it before
So why don't you want me?
I won't wait around. I can't
It's killing me a little each day
A break? What's that going to fix?
Allow you time to look around... Shop to see if there is a better deal
I want to be the best you can find. From the beginning
Not the best from what you've seen
If that's what I am to you then you don't deserve me
And if you feel like there could be something better
Then you obviously don't see what you have.
You won't find another like me
And when you realize that
Someone will have already found me
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Who knew me right away
It was funny how she understood
All i had to say
She listened to my problems
She listened to my dreams
We talked about love and life
She'd been there, too, it seems
I never once felt judged from her
She knew just how i felt
She seemed to just accept me
And all the problems I'd been dealt
She didn't interrupt me
Or need to have her say
She just listened very patiently
And didn't go away
I wanted her to understand
How much this meant to me
But as I went to hug her
Something startled me
I put my arms in front of me
And went to pull her nearer
And realized that my new best friend
Was nothing but a mirror
